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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my loved ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that professional help might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or exposure, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.